Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Surreal, to say the least.
Today, I have been clean for 3 weeks and 1 day. It feels awesome and I never thought I'd be saying that. I don't have much to say, I suppose because I still feel like I'm holding my breath, waiting for reality to hit. I'm having just as much fun as before and I'm slowly realizing what life should be like. Time heals, so we'll see where this is going to take me. I've joined an online support group and it feels good for people to actually give a shit. They're so encouraging and kind. This is good. This is not the last you'll hear from me, so, until then.. au revoir, mothafucka!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I just can't stay inside all day, I gotta get out get me some of those raaaaays!
Everybody's smilin, sunshine day! Everybody's laughin, sunshine day! Everybody seems so happy todaaaay, it's a sunshine day! I've been trying to think Brady Bunch style the past 5 days. The Brady Bunch had fun by going to Sears on Saturday morning and racing in potato sacks in the backyard. They definitely weren't sniffing painkillers & smoking weed - that's the point.
I couldn't write to you because for a moment this past weekend, I thought my life was over. We tried to spend a ridiculous amount of money on pills (it was a great deal. it always is, right?) and got $200 stolen from us by a 35-pushing-40 year old addict that lives, unemployed, at home with his mother and his 2 children whom she pays child support for. After the first day wasn't so bad without drugs, we realized that it was the first "first day" in a long time, and that this could be the start of something amazing. It might as well have had stamped across it's forehead, "BLESSING IN DISGUISE."
Day two and three came and went in fairly high spirits. We were discussing all the fun things we would be able to spend our money on instead of drugs. Our outings are sporadic and cherished because we're always too broke to go out both on Friday AND Saturday, let alone every Friday. Day four, Dan was sick, hurting and feeling hopeless. He withdrawaled all night, had a terrible day at work and unlike 1 week ago he had "nothing to look forward to" when he got home. It makes me feel so sad, because as much as I need him to be strong and optimistic, I want him to feel that way. But, we can't think like that anymore (as in, "nothing to look forward to"). And I'm wondering if maybe we should see a therapist or try to find a sponsor.. just somewhere Dan can vent to and we can seek some guidance from during this (pardon my gayness) confusing, emotional time. It has to work this time because I want it to work. I am done with this life. Do you hear me, Kate? I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE. That was me, telling the devil on my shoulder to fuck off. We can't throw away 5 days strong for a quick high - Just the thought of it disappoints and disgusts me.
I'm going out tomorrow for the first time in days to The Cereal Bar in DC to get some breakfast/lunch with my cousin. Everything feels a bit foreign because I'm so used to getting high before, during and after all these types of activities. Tomorrow is Friday and that means we are going to have a paycheck when Dan gets off work. I'm hoping we can go out to dinner, do brunch in DC on Saturday/Sunday, but I'd like to do something to keep our minds occupied. Maybe the aquarium or check out some model homes, go to IKEA.. I don't know. I need some ideas. I know this blog is just a long ramble and babble about nothing, but I just needed to release everything that's been racing through my mind the past couple days.
I still feel like I'm using a crutch because of the suboxone, but I'm okay with that for now. For a while, I'd like to learn how to live again. And if anyone can tell me what normal people do for fun on the weekends, I would like to hear it. I have a good idea, but it can't hurt to catch up and see what sober humans have been doing for fun for the past 5 years.
One more note before I get ready for bed.. tomorrow will be 6 days clean. I am tearing up as I type it. It makes me so happy, I can't describe the feeling. I suppose it's the feeling of "being proud of yourself." But, almost as if I'm expecting myself to fail or I'll jynx it, I don't want to tell anyone that I'm proud of myself. It's like I've counted my chickens before they hatched.. I've done it to me before and I don't want to let me down again. So let's just say, IT FEELS GREAT, and leave it at that. And I'll throw in a shoutout to JC for good measure. God, give Dan and I the strength and perseverance to get through this weekend with temptation at our backs. A-MEN! I think if Dan can just get through this weekend without a hitch, his tune will change. I'm excited. I'll let you know how it goes.. wish me luck!
I couldn't write to you because for a moment this past weekend, I thought my life was over. We tried to spend a ridiculous amount of money on pills (it was a great deal. it always is, right?) and got $200 stolen from us by a 35-pushing-40 year old addict that lives, unemployed, at home with his mother and his 2 children whom she pays child support for. After the first day wasn't so bad without drugs, we realized that it was the first "first day" in a long time, and that this could be the start of something amazing. It might as well have had stamped across it's forehead, "BLESSING IN DISGUISE."
Day two and three came and went in fairly high spirits. We were discussing all the fun things we would be able to spend our money on instead of drugs. Our outings are sporadic and cherished because we're always too broke to go out both on Friday AND Saturday, let alone every Friday. Day four, Dan was sick, hurting and feeling hopeless. He withdrawaled all night, had a terrible day at work and unlike 1 week ago he had "nothing to look forward to" when he got home. It makes me feel so sad, because as much as I need him to be strong and optimistic, I want him to feel that way. But, we can't think like that anymore (as in, "nothing to look forward to"). And I'm wondering if maybe we should see a therapist or try to find a sponsor.. just somewhere Dan can vent to and we can seek some guidance from during this (pardon my gayness) confusing, emotional time. It has to work this time because I want it to work. I am done with this life. Do you hear me, Kate? I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE. That was me, telling the devil on my shoulder to fuck off. We can't throw away 5 days strong for a quick high - Just the thought of it disappoints and disgusts me.
I'm going out tomorrow for the first time in days to The Cereal Bar in DC to get some breakfast/lunch with my cousin. Everything feels a bit foreign because I'm so used to getting high before, during and after all these types of activities. Tomorrow is Friday and that means we are going to have a paycheck when Dan gets off work. I'm hoping we can go out to dinner, do brunch in DC on Saturday/Sunday, but I'd like to do something to keep our minds occupied. Maybe the aquarium or check out some model homes, go to IKEA.. I don't know. I need some ideas. I know this blog is just a long ramble and babble about nothing, but I just needed to release everything that's been racing through my mind the past couple days.
I still feel like I'm using a crutch because of the suboxone, but I'm okay with that for now. For a while, I'd like to learn how to live again. And if anyone can tell me what normal people do for fun on the weekends, I would like to hear it. I have a good idea, but it can't hurt to catch up and see what sober humans have been doing for fun for the past 5 years.
One more note before I get ready for bed.. tomorrow will be 6 days clean. I am tearing up as I type it. It makes me so happy, I can't describe the feeling. I suppose it's the feeling of "being proud of yourself." But, almost as if I'm expecting myself to fail or I'll jynx it, I don't want to tell anyone that I'm proud of myself. It's like I've counted my chickens before they hatched.. I've done it to me before and I don't want to let me down again. So let's just say, IT FEELS GREAT, and leave it at that. And I'll throw in a shoutout to JC for good measure. God, give Dan and I the strength and perseverance to get through this weekend with temptation at our backs. A-MEN! I think if Dan can just get through this weekend without a hitch, his tune will change. I'm excited. I'll let you know how it goes.. wish me luck!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Killin' me softly with Angry Birds
Hello, again. I wasn't sure after yesterday's shitshow if I would come back. All I did know was that everytime I read it, it filled my whole body with so much sadness (I instantly began crying when I typed that just now) that I just wanted to close my internet app and open my Angry Birds app. Wow. And that is Generation Y wrapped up for you. I want to smother my sadness with Angry fucking Birds.
Today, I should be taking the Christmas decorations, lights & tree down. But alas, I am not. Why, you ask? Because I don't have any drugs in my body. Except the one to ease withdrawals, which usually can get me through work.. but can never make you get up and do work. I don't even eat until 6:00 in the evening, I have that little motivation. I'm unemployed and have been since the beginning of December. It makes me feel truly worthless and disgusting. That statement left me speechless here for literally 10 minutes.
I need to get off drugs. I desperately just want to hear someone tell me that they have done it on their own. I have to get my GED and go to school. Everyone I grew up with, even my boyfriend has a career or is in school. Everyone is moving and growing up so fast and I've been treading water for 5 years. They are all hares and I'm not even a tortoise.. I've been a god damn snail stuck on my shell. It's so sad to hear myself say it, but I don't even feel that I want to go to school for what I thought I did..
Now what I'm about to say, you cannot laugh at. I feel incredibly stupid as it is for talking for the past 8 years about going to cosmetology school to do hair, and now I feel I may have changed my mind. I'm not even sure of the job options, but I just want to do anything I can to help the environment. I know it sounds so fucking corny and I don't live a "green" lifestyle, but this past year has opened my eyes to what's going on around us.
The whole world is living for today and tomorrow and nobody is thinking of the future. We could've turned this problem around 10 years ago, but we choose not to. Did you know that SunChips stopped making the eco-friendly bag because it was too fucking loud. Are you shitting me? We are CHOOSING to destroy our planet and the only thing right-wingers are thinking is how can we take over the middle east so we can pump their land dry of any oil there may be. "Fuck our children and grandchildren, they can use that corn oil shit. We figured it out, they just gotta put the shit into action."
Seriously? We figure out alternate fuel options and we choose not to use them. Everyone says that it would cost too much money to mandatorily make the world go green, and on top of that, India and China expect the other countries to pay for them to go green because they "can't afford it." So why the fuck do it? These plans should've been put in motion years ago, but instead we are simply going to wait until it is too late. That is the human's solid way of blocking shit out. If you can't see it, it's not there.
So, maybe on December 21st, 2012 or sometime in mine or my children's lifetime, we'll realize that it's too late, but I just want to know that I tried. I went and did something about it. I've got too many good intentions to sit here wasting away as an addict. Wake up! There's more important things in life than a little buzz! But how can I reach that point of peace? Where I don't need drugs to live a happy life? Until next time..
Today, I should be taking the Christmas decorations, lights & tree down. But alas, I am not. Why, you ask? Because I don't have any drugs in my body. Except the one to ease withdrawals, which usually can get me through work.. but can never make you get up and do work. I don't even eat until 6:00 in the evening, I have that little motivation. I'm unemployed and have been since the beginning of December. It makes me feel truly worthless and disgusting. That statement left me speechless here for literally 10 minutes.
I need to get off drugs. I desperately just want to hear someone tell me that they have done it on their own. I have to get my GED and go to school. Everyone I grew up with, even my boyfriend has a career or is in school. Everyone is moving and growing up so fast and I've been treading water for 5 years. They are all hares and I'm not even a tortoise.. I've been a god damn snail stuck on my shell. It's so sad to hear myself say it, but I don't even feel that I want to go to school for what I thought I did..
Now what I'm about to say, you cannot laugh at. I feel incredibly stupid as it is for talking for the past 8 years about going to cosmetology school to do hair, and now I feel I may have changed my mind. I'm not even sure of the job options, but I just want to do anything I can to help the environment. I know it sounds so fucking corny and I don't live a "green" lifestyle, but this past year has opened my eyes to what's going on around us.
The whole world is living for today and tomorrow and nobody is thinking of the future. We could've turned this problem around 10 years ago, but we choose not to. Did you know that SunChips stopped making the eco-friendly bag because it was too fucking loud. Are you shitting me? We are CHOOSING to destroy our planet and the only thing right-wingers are thinking is how can we take over the middle east so we can pump their land dry of any oil there may be. "Fuck our children and grandchildren, they can use that corn oil shit. We figured it out, they just gotta put the shit into action."
Seriously? We figure out alternate fuel options and we choose not to use them. Everyone says that it would cost too much money to mandatorily make the world go green, and on top of that, India and China expect the other countries to pay for them to go green because they "can't afford it." So why the fuck do it? These plans should've been put in motion years ago, but instead we are simply going to wait until it is too late. That is the human's solid way of blocking shit out. If you can't see it, it's not there.
So, maybe on December 21st, 2012 or sometime in mine or my children's lifetime, we'll realize that it's too late, but I just want to know that I tried. I went and did something about it. I've got too many good intentions to sit here wasting away as an addict. Wake up! There's more important things in life than a little buzz! But how can I reach that point of peace? Where I don't need drugs to live a happy life? Until next time..
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Hello, digital therapist..
I wanted to let you know off the bat that my name is not Kate. I feel terrible beginning our relationship with a lie, but it makes me feel better knowing that this is somewhat anonymous and anyone in my real world cannot find out who this is.
I'll be 21 this year and I've been addicted to painkillers for the past 5 years. That was so hard to write, it took me about 6 minutes to word it 12 different ways and I ended up going right back to what I originally typed. I suppose there is no way to sugar-coat it. I'm so ashamed and fearful that anyone will realize who is behind this, but I'm so afraid that if I don't come here I may lose it in real life. I'm so alone in my head all day, I could cry on the spot at any moment. I'm bawling as I type this on a $1,000+ MacBook Air.
It makes me realize how much more to life there is than this stuff.. from the time we're born until the day we die, it is pounded in our brain that we must consume consume consume, OR ELSE. Buy this cologne, perfume, toothpaste, make-up or nobody will ever fuck or love you. Buy this car, drink this beer, wear these clothes, spend ungodly amounts of money on a cellphoneGPScomputermovietheatertropicalisland all-in-one, OR ELSE. Or else, what?
We are killing the beautiful world we live in with our technology. Pumping the earth dry of every natural resource and I'm wasting my life being a drug addict when I should be doing something about it.
I'm at a crossroad, where I feel I need to get clean and go to school and do something with my life or teeter-totter in crappy waitressing jobs just to waste another year of my life on drugs. Clearly, the latter does not seem appealing but I'm afraid I don't have the strength for the prior.
I'm embarassed to even tell the fucking internet that I don't have a high school diploma. I still need to get my GED, and I don't even know if I can do that. How sad. I was in AP everything and got A's all my life. I think this may be all that I can share with you today.. It makes me too sad to see my life-in-a-nutshell right in front of me.
I know it is ridiculous of me to expect a response from the world, but is it possible for me to get clean on my own? I don't want this anymore. I want to have a normal, loving relationship again with my boyfriend. I want to grow up and do things with my life. I can't even remember how to have fun without drugs. I guess this is it, for now. Maybe we'll see each other again tomorrow- all I know is it feels good for someone (actually, no one) to listen.
I'll be 21 this year and I've been addicted to painkillers for the past 5 years. That was so hard to write, it took me about 6 minutes to word it 12 different ways and I ended up going right back to what I originally typed. I suppose there is no way to sugar-coat it. I'm so ashamed and fearful that anyone will realize who is behind this, but I'm so afraid that if I don't come here I may lose it in real life. I'm so alone in my head all day, I could cry on the spot at any moment. I'm bawling as I type this on a $1,000+ MacBook Air.
It makes me realize how much more to life there is than this stuff.. from the time we're born until the day we die, it is pounded in our brain that we must consume consume consume, OR ELSE. Buy this cologne, perfume, toothpaste, make-up or nobody will ever fuck or love you. Buy this car, drink this beer, wear these clothes, spend ungodly amounts of money on a cellphoneGPScomputermovietheatertropicalisland all-in-one, OR ELSE. Or else, what?
We are killing the beautiful world we live in with our technology. Pumping the earth dry of every natural resource and I'm wasting my life being a drug addict when I should be doing something about it.
I'm at a crossroad, where I feel I need to get clean and go to school and do something with my life or teeter-totter in crappy waitressing jobs just to waste another year of my life on drugs. Clearly, the latter does not seem appealing but I'm afraid I don't have the strength for the prior.
I'm embarassed to even tell the fucking internet that I don't have a high school diploma. I still need to get my GED, and I don't even know if I can do that. How sad. I was in AP everything and got A's all my life. I think this may be all that I can share with you today.. It makes me too sad to see my life-in-a-nutshell right in front of me.
I know it is ridiculous of me to expect a response from the world, but is it possible for me to get clean on my own? I don't want this anymore. I want to have a normal, loving relationship again with my boyfriend. I want to grow up and do things with my life. I can't even remember how to have fun without drugs. I guess this is it, for now. Maybe we'll see each other again tomorrow- all I know is it feels good for someone (actually, no one) to listen.
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