Everybody's smilin, sunshine day! Everybody's laughin, sunshine day! Everybody seems so happy todaaaay, it's a sunshine day! I've been trying to think Brady Bunch style the past 5 days. The Brady Bunch had fun by going to Sears on Saturday morning and racing in potato sacks in the backyard. They definitely weren't sniffing painkillers & smoking weed - that's the point.
I couldn't write to you because for a moment this past weekend, I thought my life was over. We tried to spend a ridiculous amount of money on pills (it was a great deal. it always is, right?) and got $200 stolen from us by a 35-pushing-40 year old addict that lives, unemployed, at home with his mother and his 2 children whom she pays child support for. After the first day wasn't so bad without drugs, we realized that it was the first "first day" in a long time, and that this could be the start of something amazing. It might as well have had stamped across it's forehead, "BLESSING IN DISGUISE."
Day two and three came and went in fairly high spirits. We were discussing all the fun things we would be able to spend our money on instead of drugs. Our outings are sporadic and cherished because we're always too broke to go out both on Friday AND Saturday, let alone every Friday. Day four, Dan was sick, hurting and feeling hopeless. He withdrawaled all night, had a terrible day at work and unlike 1 week ago he had "nothing to look forward to" when he got home. It makes me feel so sad, because as much as I need him to be strong and optimistic, I want him to feel that way. But, we can't think like that anymore (as in, "nothing to look forward to"). And I'm wondering if maybe we should see a therapist or try to find a sponsor.. just somewhere Dan can vent to and we can seek some guidance from during this (pardon my gayness) confusing, emotional time. It has to work this time because I want it to work. I am done with this life. Do you hear me, Kate? I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE. That was me, telling the devil on my shoulder to fuck off. We can't throw away 5 days strong for a quick high - Just the thought of it disappoints and disgusts me.
I'm going out tomorrow for the first time in days to The Cereal Bar in DC to get some breakfast/lunch with my cousin. Everything feels a bit foreign because I'm so used to getting high before, during and after all these types of activities. Tomorrow is Friday and that means we are going to have a paycheck when Dan gets off work. I'm hoping we can go out to dinner, do brunch in DC on Saturday/Sunday, but I'd like to do something to keep our minds occupied. Maybe the aquarium or check out some model homes, go to IKEA.. I don't know. I need some ideas. I know this blog is just a long ramble and babble about nothing, but I just needed to release everything that's been racing through my mind the past couple days.
I still feel like I'm using a crutch because of the suboxone, but I'm okay with that for now. For a while, I'd like to learn how to live again. And if anyone can tell me what normal people do for fun on the weekends, I would like to hear it. I have a good idea, but it can't hurt to catch up and see what sober humans have been doing for fun for the past 5 years.
One more note before I get ready for bed.. tomorrow will be 6 days clean. I am tearing up as I type it. It makes me so happy, I can't describe the feeling. I suppose it's the feeling of "being proud of yourself." But, almost as if I'm expecting myself to fail or I'll jynx it, I don't want to tell anyone that I'm proud of myself. It's like I've counted my chickens before they hatched.. I've done it to me before and I don't want to let me down again. So let's just say, IT FEELS GREAT, and leave it at that. And I'll throw in a shoutout to JC for good measure. God, give Dan and I the strength and perseverance to get through this weekend with temptation at our backs. A-MEN! I think if Dan can just get through this weekend without a hitch, his tune will change. I'm excited. I'll let you know how it goes.. wish me luck!
No comments:
Post a Comment